Maybe this isn't such a good idea, but if i don't say this, and keep it in, then i will go insane. If i haven't already. Illogical behaviour, and an irrational mantality, does not impress me. In fact it really annoys me. It's one of my pet hates. I've said before that there is a clear distinction of character in my family; and it affects the eldest child, right down to the youngest. I've also said, this distinction may not be healthy. Whilst one side of the family is patient, quiet, and reasonable; the other is stubborn, egocentric and vindictive. Of course, pro's and con's exist for both cases. These few, however, can be noticed instantly.
There is nothing wrong with being different. Even in marriage. I think these differences are the things some couples come to cherish about their spouses. Although, it could also be the cause for some problems. The difference in character, between my mother and father, is noticeable. Over the years, and looking back, i've come to see just how different they really are. With recent events taking place, i've come to question just how they did really last 27 years of marriage? Of course, i don't doubt that there is love between them. However, when two people find that they no longer see eye- to- eye, and have lost the common- ground that their relationship was founded on, i don't think others are left with any other question, but this.
My parents are seriously considering divorce. Why is this such a problem, seemingly, for me? I'm the dreamer. I want the happy family, the family that sticks together like they do in movies. Naivity, i believe it's called. I don't think i've grown up so much as to realise that things aren't the way they are in movies. Whilst we would all want them to be, things don't often go the way we want them to. Worse still, for some; often, you find that the control you thought you had over certain aspects of your life, is taken away. You have no control, and find yourself in a votex, being sucked dry.
I understand that sometimes people don't often get along after a while, and that being away is sometimes better for both. It doesn't mean that they stop loving each other, necessarily. It just means that they can't live together. I don't think anyone wants to be apart of a broken family or home. It is damaging. Whilst it may be time for me to exert some independance, i worry slightly over the fact that my little sister and i may be torn apart. This one little factor is the one thing that worries me, and scares me. My parents will always be there. That much, no matter what, i know and can guarantee. The psychological damage this could have on my little sister, however, is something of a different nature.
If i could do anything to keep my family from falling to peices i would do it, withoug second thought. That much i know. I love these people to much. Maybe that, in itself, is something which shows a sense of insecurity or weakness. Of course, i don't think that pulling a "Romeo and Juliet" stunt, by killing myself, will actually help. It may make matters worse. Besides, i wouldn't be here to enjoy the reunion. Come to think of it, i think anyone would do what all they could, and more. It could also be, perhaps, that the best thing to do is to do exactly nothing; "Go with the flow", as the saying goes.
My parents have made their life. I know. Now it's time for me to make my own. I can't do that if i'm going to spend my time worrying about them. They are capable of doing things by themselves. They are capable of working things out if they really want to. This is out of my control. No matter what i say or do, if they are set on divorce, then i will only be able to stand aside and let them destroy all they've worked to build these past 27 years. Maybe "destroy", is to over- board. It is what i think they are doing anyway.
As i said in the beginning. This may not have been the ideal topic; but, i do think that i hadn't relieved myself of it all, i would have gone insane. It's personal. In fact, not to me, but to my parents. Although, this is affecting me, nonetheless, and i am apart of the family that is currently breaking down. Whilst i can't do much about that, i will try and live my life, enjoying all the things i am to do, see, hear, and experiance. Maybe, just maybe, my example may prompt them to attempt to find common- ground once more. One thing i do know: I can't force them, beg them, or ask them to try any more. It would not be fair to them or to my little sister, or to myself.
What will come will come, and i hope that i will be able and prepared to meet it, whatever it is, when it does arrive.
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2 comments:
fear of the unknown is always a scary prospect, more so the older you get. Change is for young people! No seriously, sometimes when you have less of your life ahead of you than that you left behind, re-evaluation of one's unhappiness and the need for contentment becomes more imperative so it seems. People seem to take stock and think do I want more of this? or will change bring the happiness I'm currently missing? When the children become old enough to fend for themselves and the job mostly done, I guess that question becomes more omnipotent if there is no happiness left, only familiarity and security and predictability. Rut and impending grave seem start to merge in the psyche, hence the desire to find happiness. That old tick-tock clock becomes louder with each passing day...
Whether we like it or not, our parents are human beings with real problems. When they no longer have to deal with ours, that's when they start noticing their own. I'm not suggesting to create problems to reverse that process because you can't put the genie back in the bottle. Sooner or later they will work out what they want to do...while it might be torturous for you, you just have to accept that that is the way it is. Guess you'll have to support that.
The older you get, the less insulated from the cold, stark reality of life and the world you become. Sometimes its hard coming to grips with that. It usually means the end of youth is nigh. That is tough to deal with (wait to you get the gray hair and wrinkles and things start to ache and you can no longer do the things that were so easy when you were a kid. And girls in stores calling you Mister and Sir! Ahhh). Tougher still would be spending your life in abject misery because you chose the wrong way to spend it. It happens I'm afraid...you just to hang on for the ride...
I don't really know if there is a lesson, or something, that i can take from this. I guess the one thing i can think of is to try and be understanding.
Like you said, our parents are people too. If this is hard for me, then it must be somewhat harder for them. The least i can do is try to understand, and make this a little easier for them, on my be- half.?
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