Suffering

I had no intention of interrupting the flow of the story. However, after today, and an event that occured at the very end of my day, i have to get this off my chest.

Freedert Mitchel Bishop is a friend i made back in year 8. It all started from French class that was run back then, before it changed to Italian. We were given the opportunity to select a few countries that we wanted pen- pals from. I chose the US as one among the other 4. Freedert was my pen- pal from Cinncinnati, Ohio. At first we started off as any other kids start off. Shyly, and our letters were rather simple and very "one- way", so to speak. What i mean is, we only asked the basic questions at first, it almost seemed stupid to send a letter so far across the globe. However, we both persisted in our endeavours.

I won't say that i know Freedert. In fact there is only one part of him that i do know. Other than that, i know there is a person that i still know nothing about, 5 years later. Freedert, what i do know about him, is a delicate human. Yes, i just said that another guy is delicate; yes, he is homosexual; No, i don't have a problem. Freedert and i had our fair share of arguments, like all friends. However, we forged a friendship unlike any other i've ever had.

Freedert had, and still has, a confidence problem. Whilst i never saw him, to see how bad it was, i know that we had at least three arguments over it. Sometimes, in fact twice, it was my misunderstanding and impatience with him. Now i regret it all. Despite the fact that it's something i look back on with a smile and a sense of fondness for him. Whilst we rarely spoke about family, i still had the chance to speak with his twin sister. I felt accepted in the family, at least, from the impression both Freedert and his sister gave me.

Recently we spoke about how Ike had hit Cinncinnati. His family was one of the fortunate one's not to have their home destroyed by the natural force of destruction. However, others weren't so lucky, and the carnage on the roads, apparently, was not a pretty sight either. I remember, now, thinking back, saying i was glad that he and his family were all well and healthy. I remember saying i wouldn't know what i'd do if i found out he'd gotten hurt, while i was still here, unable to do or say something.

Now, as i remember this, i feel as though i must have incurred a jinx or curse on him. I regret the entire conversation ever occuring. Today, at the end of my day, and what a wonderful day it was; I got a message from Freedert's sister. Freedert is in a hospital in the US, in critical condition, and in intensive care.

Freedert was walking home earlier today, when a car travelling over the speed limit swerved and hit a tree, which fell onto Freedert. Sounds like something from a t.v. show, or even a movie, doesn't it? Well, this is something slightly different, at least, to me. This is reality. The reality of suffering. I can't help but fear the worst. Sure, death is apart of life, and in some way/s, it is actually a better option, rather than living a slow death. The question i have is: Should i use this as a consolation to the fact that i am not with him, and his family, at this crucial time?

Thus far, there has only been one, two at the most, occasion/s where i have expressed how useless and hopeless i feel. This, however would bring the tally up to two, or three if it is so. I didn't know what to say, or how to respond to the message when i got it. I was shocked, i was afraid, and i was worried. Sure, suffering is apart of life; in fact it could be one of the things about life that makes it all the more worth living. The whole "getting over the mountian" concept, and finally over- coming a terrible ordeal, may be one of the things that make happy times even better.

Is it rational, however, to feel as though you've had enough, you've reached your limit? You just want things to come and go, you're sick of having things you care about ruined, destroyed, hurt or even pushed to the brink of death; Is that rational- Having enough-? Is it only human to say: Do your worst, i don't care anymore, i'm as hurt as i've ever been, as i'll ever get, i can't feel any worse than i do?

Answer/s: Probably not. It may actually hurt more to say that, than it will to hold one's peace and silence, and hope and pray for better times in the near future.

I think that's all i can do. Hope and pray. If i do loose a friend, that i hardly knew, it will hurt me more than ever. I knew nothing about this person for the 5 years i knew him. He, however, called me a friend. I called him a friend. Although, for some reason, i got the feeling that whilst we were using the same word, the meaning, for him, was deeper, than the meaning i was placing on the word. I think, now, that is what i failed to see, and what i am now regreting.